pimento.htm

Premiered at the Sacred Fools Theatre Company's -
Crime Scene, April 27th, 2002.
For details about the production visit:
CRIME SCENE: The Case Files...
(http://www.sacredfools.org/crimescene/CaseFiles/)
PIMENTO, copyright © 2002, may not be performed or reproduced in any way
without the written consent of Big Quiche Productions and/or Tom Kiesche.
Pimento logo design by Crime Scene Producer Brad Friedman.
Please contact us at Big Quiche Productions if you have any questions.

PIMENTO
Written by Tom Kiesche

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY

JOHNNY PITT, has a slice of Pimento Loaf pointed at JOEY
TROUSERS.

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      What are you crazy Johnny? You've fucking
                      lost it man.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                          (nearly possessed)
                      I don't know if I've told you about my
                      condition.

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      Jesus you told me. You told me a hundred
                      times already.

JOHNNY PITT
You understand?

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      Yeah I understand...not your condition,
                      but that it's your fucking "condition".

JOHNNY PITT
I didn't forget. Right?

Johnny moves towards him.

JOEY TROUSERS
Forget what? What the fuck are you doing?

JOHNNY PITT
Spreading...

JOEY TROUSERS
No.

JOHNNY PITT
Pimento: A variety of sweet red peppers.

JOEY TROUSERS
No.

Johnny begins stalking Joey.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Loaf: A portion of bread in any one
                      piece.

JOEY TROUSERS
No. Jesus,no.

JOHNNY PITT
Two: Any food baked in this shape.

JOEY TROUSERS
You don't know what you're doing.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Three: To spend time idly; idle, dawdle,
                      etcetera. etcetera. etcetera.

JOEY TROUSERS
Nooooooo!

Johnny stuffs the slice of loaf into Joey's mouth.

JOEY TROUSERS (CONT'D)
Aggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

As Joey chokes and passes out, Johnny whips out his cell
phone.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Pimento: A large, heart-shaped, sweet,
                      delicious red pepper that's about three
                      or four inches long and two to three
                      inches wide. I didn't forget. I didn't
                      forget.

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - JUST BEFORE

Joey stands facing Johnny, he's nervous about something. In
Johnny's hand is a white paper bag.

JOEY TROUSERS
Yeah, yeah you told me.

JOHNNY PITT
So you know?

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      Yeah. And I'm getting sick just hearing
                      about it.

JOHNNY PITT
So you know?

JOEY TROUSERS
Yeah, I just fucking said I did.

JOHNNY PITT
Did ya?

JOEY TROUSERS
Yeah. Fuck-yeah.

Johnny produces a wrapped deli meat package from out of the
bag. He tosses the paper bag to the side.

JOEY TROUSERS (CONT'D)
Shit man. Shit. That's it? Shit.

JOHNNY PITT
Have some.

Johnny methodically opens the package.

JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
Don't wanna drop any.

JOEY TROUSERS
Is this a joke?

Johnny reveals a slice of Pimento Loaf. And holds it in the
air. Practically worshiping it.

                                JOEY TROUSERS (CONT'D)
                      Put it down. You don't know what you're
                      doing.

Johnny lays it on his face.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Mechanically separated chicken parts.
                      Olives. Water.

JOEY TROUSERS
Oh Man.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Corn Syrup. Salt. Pimentos. Sodium
                      Nitrate.

Johnny slowly pushes it into his mouth.

JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
Aahhh...

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                          (as Johnny chews it)
                      Ah God!

Johnny pulls another slice from the stack of meat.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Mechanically separated turkey parts.
                      Dextrose...

JOEY TROUSERS
I can't let you do this...

Joey rushes him to stop him from lowering another piece into
his mouth.

A struggle ensues. A CHORUS OF DELI SHOPPERS pops up from out
of nowhere.

                                DELI CHORUS
                          (ala climax of Carmina Burana)
                      HAM HAM AND CHEESE. HAM HAM AND CHEESE.
                      HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM. HAM HAM AND
                      CHEESE. HAM HAM AND CHEESE.

Joey is pushed to the ground.

JOHNNY PITT
Have one.

Johnny has a slice of Pimento Loaf pointed at Joey.

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      What are you crazy Johnny? You've fucking
                      lost it man.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      I don't know if I've told you about my
                      condition.

Johnny whips out his cell phone.

                                JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
                      I told you never to ask me that. Spain
                      leads the world in olive production.
                      "Pimento" is a Spanish word, maybe
                      Spaniard put the pimento in the olive.

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - JUST BEFORE

Joey is sitting alone in an empty room. Johnny enters the
room with the small bag.

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      Jesus where you been? Fucking starving
                      here. We eating Protein Bars or something
                      Johnny? I told you to get lunch. Lunch.

JOHNNY PITT
I have a condition.

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      What'ya talking about? Did you get lunch
                      or what? It was your fucking turn to get
                      lunch. Did ya fucking get lunch?

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      I have a condition. I have to spread the
                      word about pimento loaf.

JOEY TROUSERS
What?

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Pimento loaf. Pimientos, those little
                      familiar red things found in green
                      olives.

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      I know what pimentos are. They're in
                      olives, and olives float at the bottom of
                      Martinis.

JOHNNY PITT
Not olive loaf. Not pickle loaf.

JOEY TROUSERS
Yeah and not ham. I got ya.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                          (deadly serious)
                      No. And not ham.

JOEY TROUSERS
Okay. Jesus. Not ham. Man you're wacked.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      I didn't forget. It's my condition. My
                      condition. To spread the word about
                      pimento loaf. Did I tell you about my
                      condition?

Joey standing faces Johnny, he's nervous about something.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                          (overlapping)
                      My condition to spread the word about
                      PIMENTO LOAF!!!

Joey stands and faces Johnny, he's obviously nervous.

JOEY TROUSERS
Yeah, yeah you told me.

ACT TWO

Johnny sits in his car talking on his cell phone.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Pimiento - Spanish for "pepper." Sweet.
                      Succulent. Aromatic. Aromatic. Aromatic.

SFX: A POLICE SIREN

JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
Pimiento!

A POLICE OFFICER approaches.

OFFICER
License and registration please.

JOHNNY PITT
I have a condition.

OFFICER
License and registration.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      I have a condition. Did I tell you about
                      my condition?

                                OFFICER
                      Sir, if you give me your license and
                      registration... I'll then listen to your
                      "condition."

JOHNNY PITT
I didn't forget. Pimiento loaf?

OFFICER
Sir?

                                JOHNNY PITT
                          (growing intensity)
                      Pimiento loaf. P I M I E N T O

The Officer is now unsure of what he's dealing with.

OFFICER
Would you...

JOHNNY PITT
Loaf.

OFFICER
...Step out of the car sir?

JOHNNY PITT
Pimiento!

OFFICER
Yeah.

JOHNNY PITT
Loaf!

OFFICER
Out of the car.

Johnny removes himself from the car. The Officer places one
hand on Johnny's back and another on his holster.

                                OFFICER (CONT'D)
                      Would you step over here and put your
                      hands on the trunk?

JOHNNY PITT
I have a condition.

                                OFFICER
                      Right. Step over here and put your hands
                      on the trunk.

Johnny does so.

OFFICER (CONT'D)
Been drinking tonight?

JOHNNY PITT
Eating.

Officer starts his search.

                                OFFICER
                      Any thing going to prick me if I search
                      you? Sir? IS ANYTHING GOING TO PRICK ME
                      IF I SEARCH YOU?

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      No. No pricks. Nothing prickly. Thinly
                      sliced.

                                OFFICER
                          (feeling something)
                      What is this?

The Officer pulls out a small white package of lunch meat
from Johnny's jacket.

                                OFFICER (CONT'D)
                      Why the hell do you have ham in your
                      pocket?

JOHNNY PITT
Ham?!

The Officer is caught off guard and is knocked to the ground
with a right cross to the chin.

JOHNNY PITT
Why the Fuck did you say Ham?!

Johnny scrambles for the loose gun, getting the jump on the
Officer.

JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
Pimento: A variety of sweet red peppers.

OFFICER
You're up shits creek now pal.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Loaf: A portion of bread in any one
                      piece.

OFFICER
Put the gun down.

JOHNNY PITT
Two: Any food baked in this shape.

OFFICER
Dude.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Three: To spend time idly; idle, dawdle,
                      etcetera.

JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
Eat it.

OFFICER
What?

JOHNNY PITT
Eat it. Pick it up and eat it.

OFFICER
You're fucking crazy!

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      I have a condition, did I tell you about
                      my condition?

The Officer picks up some loaf...

JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
Give me your keys.

The Officer tosses his keys to Johnny. Johnny tosses them
away.

JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
NOW EAT IT.

The Officer stuffs a whole wad of pimento loaf into his
mouth.

OFFICER
Agggggghhhh.

Johnny whips out his cell phone.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Damn it! It's a large, red, heart-shaped
                      sweet pepper. You've heard of paprika!
                      Pimento! Pimento! Why the fuck doesn't
                      anyone understand?

ACT THREE

EXT. DELI - DAY

Johnny runs out of the Deli his face covered with Pimento
Loaf. He screams and preaches the word of Pimento Loaf.

JOHNNY PITT
Pimento Loaf! Pimento Loaf!

He runs away, scaring a few older women.

INT. DELI - JUST BEFORE

            Several customer buzz around the Deli counter, shouting out
            orders to the Deli Guy. The following works into a dance
            number crescendos at the end.

DELI GUY
How you doing?

CUSTOMER ONE
I'm doing good. Thanks.

Johnny enters the deli, he's among many customers. He looks
normal and unstressed. He looks at his hand.

DELI GUY
What can I get you?

                                CUSTOMER ONE
                      I'll take two pounds of smoked HAM,
                      thinly sliced. And a pound of provolone.

DELI GUY
You bet.

CUSTOMER TWO
Lean Turkey HAM and two pounds cheddar.

DELI GUY
Yup.

CUSTOMER THREE
Brie and Baked Lower Sodium Virginia HAM.

DELI GUY
Uh-huh.

                                CUSTOMER FOUR
                      What HAM's on special today? HAM. Oh I'll
                      HAM some of the Honey Glazed Low Fat HAM.
                      And the Baked HAM. Oh and a a half of
                      swiss.

CUSTOMER ONE
HAM me some Chopped HAM.

                                CUSTOMER TWO
                      Is HAM the HAM that's on special? Oh
                      you're such as HAM.

                                CUSTOMER THREE
                      I'm HAM for some PreHAMium Boiled HAM.
                      Honey Maple HAM. And Cheese.

CUSTOMER TWO
Black Forest HAM.

CUSTOMER FOUR
Brown Sugar HAM.

CUSTOMER ONE
CHEESE.

CUSTOMER TWO
HAM.

CUSTOMER THREE
HAM.

CUSTOMER ONE
AND CHEESE.

                                DELI CHORUS
                          (ala climax of Carmina Burana
                           till the end of scene)
                      HAM HAM AND CHEESE. HAM HAM AND CHEESE.
                      HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM. HAM HAM AND
                      CHEESE. HAM HAM AND CHEESE. HAM HAM AND
                      CHEESE. HAM HAM AND CHEESE. HAM HAM HAM
                      HAM HAM HAM HAM. HAM HAM AND CHEESE. HAM
                      HAM AND CHEESE. HAM HAM AND CHEESE. HAM
                      HAM AND CHEESE. HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM
                      HAM. HAM HAM AND CHEESE. HAM HAM AND
                      CHEESE.

Johnny stands in a daze.

                                DELI GUY
                          (to Johnny)
                      What'll it be Guy?

                                JOHNNY PITT
                          (affected by all the Ham sales)
                      Ah. Ah.

DELI GUY
What'll be? Ham?

                                JOHNNY PITT
                          (breaking down)
                      No. No Ham. Too much Ham. No more Ham.

DELI GUY
What the HAM will it be?

Johnny looks at his hand.

JOHNNY PITT
I can't forget.

DELI GUY
You're about to lose your turn.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Ah. Ah.
                          (pointing)
                      What's that?

DELI GUY
Pimento loaf. Nobody ever gets that.

JOHNNY PITT
What is it?

                                DELI GUY
                      Pimento: A variety of sweet red peppers.
                      Loaf: A portion of bread in any one
                      piece. Two: Any food baked in this shape.
                      Three: To spend time idly; idle, dawdle,
                      etcetera. Now are you gonna dawdle or you
                      gonna order?

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      GIVE ME PIMENTO LOAF! GIVE ME ALL THE
                      PIMENTO LOAF YOU HAVE! PIMENTO PIMENTO
                      PIMENTO!

Johnny whips out his cell phone.

                                JOHNNY PITT (CONT'D)
                      I didn't forget. I can't forget. I won't
                      forget. You did this to me! You did this
                      to me!

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - BEFORE

Johnny's on the phone.

JOHNNY PITT
Yeah. I got it.

Joey Trousers enters.

JOEY TROUSERS
Didn't leave yet? I'm freaking starving.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                          (into phone)
                      Hold on honey.
                          (to Joey)
                      Is it my turn?

                                JOEY TROUSERS
                      No shit it's your turn. Just cause you
                      got a wife, don't mean you can skip on
                      turns. And get something good.

                                JOHNNY PITT
                      Yeah sure. I'll grab some while I'm at
                      the deli... I won't forget... I won't.
                      All right I'll write it down.
                          (writing on his hand)
                      "Don't forget lunch meat." There now I
                      can't forget.

PIMENTO, copyright © 2002, may not be performed or reproduced in any way
without the written consent of Big Quiche Productions and/or Tom Kiesche.
Please contact us at Big Quiche Productions if you have any questions.